Damage Control

the scent lingers on the pillow after you leave
a smell so sweet
leaves me to follow a trail of defeat
wondering the consequences of love's retreat
i've been here before
have I fallen too deep?

the concept of falling is truly unique
a never ending flight
with no planes. no strings
smiles up top
with butterflies below
but when i finish falling,
where is the damage control?

when my heart hits the pavement,
where is the damage control??
I've done nothing wrong
so why should I reap what you sowed?
I only came to reciprocate what you only came to borrow
my heart is not for sale, for rent, or to ever be shadowed

this is not a game
this is my love you stole
why hide the facts?
you're a felon out on parole
the crimes you commit are sweeter than the language of creole
but I have to get it together,
Where is the damage control???

a knock on my door, I look through the peep hole
damn, it's you again..
Where is the damage control????
I fall for it every time
WHERE IS THE DAMAGE CONTROL?????
I'm SCREAMING for your help
I'm getting OUT OF CONTROL
You grab me by shoulders,
TRYING TO GAIN CONTROL...

...then you kiss me so sweetly...


...where is the damage control?



Signing Off
Excuse My Kharisma ♥


(c) Copyrighted October 2011

Daddy's Little Girl

"Daddy". No matter how old I get, the commonly used term amongst children across the world will always remain the same. There is something in the word that holds so much weight. So much definition. And even though every newborn, toddler, kid, pre-teen, teenager, young adult,  and adult may have a different meaning for the term "Dad", I have to be the luckiest of them all. 

I wish I could I see myself through your eyes from the time I was born through today's date and counting. I remember as a child how much I simply adored you. I was amazed by how tall you were & how your shoes swallowed my feet. I never could comprehend how my little hand would disappear once I put it in yours. Growing up, I loved being the taste tester of every meal you have ever cooked. Then when you would leave the kitchen, I would sneak and "test" some more. (I promise to this day, I have yet to have oxtails and cabbage that taste like yours!) All my friends think I have the funniest & coolest Dad in the world. I believe it to be true. No matter what I ever happened, I knew that I would always have my Dad around...

Until I left for college. I don't know what made me leave. But all I know is I miss you and my mother more EVERYDAY. Can you believe it has been 7 years already??? When I left for college, I thought I was smoking crack for leaving my parents! What the hell was I thinking about leaving Newark, NJ and going to Petersburg, VA?! I didn't have the luxury of knowing my Dad would be driving the city bus so I can ride public transportation for THE FREE! I was left to defend myself. I didn't wake up to fish, grits, eggs, and toast with apple butter you would normally cook on Saturday mornings. Instead I had to walk to the cafe and eat the mush they served as food.

But in it all, I knew what I was doing. I knew at 17 that I would depend on my Dad for everything! But I also knew that my Dad will not live eternally. So I had to leave. So I can grow up. Become independent. Make mistakes. And try to make you proud all along the way. 

There maybe some things you probably wished I would have done differently. You probably had your own plan for me. But I promise, with every decision I have ever made you were always on my mind. Whether its buying a new pair of shoes or getting a new apartment. You gave me the skill of "long term thinking" without trying to predict the future at the same time. I remember one day you were helping me with my math homework and you said, "I can tell you are thinking because you are scratching your head." LOL & I promise you to this day, I think of you when I find myself "scratching my head" from trying to figure something out. Lol. (It's funny because its true!)

As the tears run down my face and laughs sporadically leave my mouth as I'm writing this, all I could do is wish you were here so I can hug you. So you can kiss me on my forehead. It's something that I miss everyday for the past 7 years. But when I close my eyes and think of your scent, its like you are right here with me. 

I love you Daddy more than any words can ever describe. I remember when we were at Nita's house last summer. And you said, "I dropped Nia off in Virginia as a little girl. I came back and she is now a woman." That touched the deepest parts of me. And in that moment I knew that I was making you proud.   

So on today, I just want to honor you for being who you are. Thank you for everything. Thank you for letting me go and allowing me to grow, make mistakes, and become independent, while making you proud along the way. 

If you think I'm a force to reckon with now, you haven't seen anything yet!!!

Happy Birthday Daddy!




I love you!!!




Excuse My Kharisma  ♥

Indefinitely...

You know, I just don't get you sometimes.

You have a way with you that I don't even understand. 

You build up emotions and shoot them out 

For every one to get infected by you...

Affected by you... 

Effected by you...

I need a chance to be serene

In a place where reality is a bad dream

In times where I wish I could light my thoughts and burn em

Don't forget the kerosene...

I'm not too thrilled by you at all

But you have a way of momentarily giving me thrills

That can send incessant chills

Down my spine & then everything stops like broken record deal

I mean I feel...

I don't know what I feel

Cause it's easy for my mind to comprehend whats real

But your the one holding me back like I owe you cartwheels

Back flips and standing ovations like you just killed the field

But because you are scared and bitter 

I gotta sit and sacrifice the meal

Go hungry for days because you can't decide what your appetite fills

I mean I'm filled...

With joy when you're happy

You sing without a melody and put a glow on my skin when you're happy

Is it money? It is clothes?

It is the appreciation on another's face that makes you glow

I mean I don't know...

But I'm hoping that you tell me...

I need to find median 

Guessing games aren't healthy

But the fact you can't express verbally what you mean

It seems trial and error is the only answer to this bad dream

I wanna ask God why he didn't build you to be articulate

But there is no questioning Him so its something I gotta deal with

But I'm not gonna stop fighting until I make you smile permanently...

You are the only heart I have and we gonna be happy together

Indefinitely...

Excuse My Kharisma ♥

copyrighted (c) August 2011

Fear of What You're Feeling

Misconception without questions
Leads to deception
Why you guessing?
Just be real with how you feel
And stop all this minor stressing
I ain't trippin
Nor I'm dissing
But your actions
They speak different
Than the words that leave your tounge
I'm not naggin nor I'm pickin
I just...I just
Just wanna communicate with your soul
Cause your mouth will never tell me
If u tryna grow old
I'm not tryna be cold
But I'm ready to be told
Your ambitions your desires
2 see if they match
Yeah I'm bold
But my truth is I adore
& if you feel the same
Please just show me
Don't ignore me
Cause that's what leads to awkward pain
& I'm tryna keep sane
But I refuse to be the blame
4 your murdered articulation
I wanna feel what you sayin
So when you're ready to speak
I hope it's from your heart
Because your brain over thinks
You will always be my first
But I'm tryna be your last
& if this never works
it will be a SWEET memory of my past


Im never bitter...
So please
ExcuseMyKharisma ♥

Copyrighted (c) June 2011

My Generation

I want to take some time and speak to my generation. And please forgive me for my brash delivery but there are some things I do not understand about my generation. Where is your drive? Where is your compassion? Where is your self-respect? Where is your ambition? What are you living for?

Day in and day out, my generation complains about the smallest things and the first thing you all want to do is give up. For what??? I mean, I know things are tough. I know you want the world and everything in it. However, how DARE you complain about the things you are going through when YOU are the one who sets the goal for YOURSELF? Realistically, no one is a super human. It's hard to maintain being on the Dean's list, go to school full-time, work full-time, have a social life, and to keep all sanity. But I did it. There are people doing it now. There were people doing it then. And trust and believe, there will be people doing it in the future. And while these people are grinding...they are passing you by because you stop to complain. STFU and deal with what you have in front of you. Nobody is going to clean up YOUR mess. And it's not like YOU have to clean up the oil spill in the gulf. Most of ya'll are complaining about spilled milk!!!

Sometimes we have to take the good with the bad, the bitter with the sweet, and understand shit does not always go our way. This is where you put up the fight. This is where you man up and take on the responsibility that YOU elected for. No one made you make the decisions you made yesterday. No one told you to expect the world and not to be ready for the world's expectations. This is a GIVE and TAKE game baby. Understand that you have to GIVE what you want your all and be ready to TAKE the top when you get there. How the hell you expect to climb that mountain without sweating, scraping a knee, or falling a few times?? How the hell do you expect to have the true taste of sweet victory in your mouth without having a bitter taste of adversity?? Get up off your complaints. Get up off your excuses. And get up on your AMBITION!!! Get up on your DRIVE!!! Get up on your COMPASSION!!! Get up on your SELF-RESPECT!!! Get up on whatever it is you are living for!!!

I'm tired of hearing ya'll complain...aint like ya'll had to go through slavery... Man up....

I'm out...



oh yeah...


Excuse My Kharisma & all 'lat... ♥

Doors

Over the past few years I lost an abundant amount of patience. Between school, work, relationships, friends & foes I have lost the ability to take long strides (and short ones) with patience. In my mind, I knew I was stable, but my actions showed otherwise.

Looking back, I was like this as a child up until my early adult life. I had mood swings & temper-tantrums when things didn't go my way. (Random Fact: I still have mood swings but now they are only erected when I'm Hot & Hungry at the same time or when I cannot rationalize something by way of thinking to the point where it aggravates me. Okay, continue reading...) And I must say, I have some tremendous friends who stood by me while I was yelling, cursing, & throwing things. I didn't know how to express myself the way I do now. (Random Fact #2 - I still throw shit...I do it to avoid hitting YOU. Be happy. I'm also working on that...okay...continue.)

After years and years of yelling, cursing, and throwing things, I always got my way. And like that new energy drink commercial...."It works for me." But what I didn't realize was how it made me appear. "Yo, Alvania cool as shit. But don't get her mad cause that bitch crazy." And people, don't front!!! We all have a little bit of crazy in us. When our buttons are pushed to the max on the wrong day, we have the tendency to flip sometimes. Some people who do not curse, may slip and say a four-letter word. Some people who may not know how to verbally convey their thoughts may just give up and walk away. Some people are not drinkers/smokers may very well walk into a bar or roll up that night. Or a "crazy bitch like me" (so they say lol) might just throw a TV down the steps!!! LOL What ever your extreme is, call it out YOURSELF... embrace it & work on it.

We all have short comings and weaknesses. I like to call them opportunities. It gives us the opportunity to make a greater good out of what we may feel like is unjust for us personally.  But don't wait for your momma-boyfriend-sister-cousin-auntie to call it out...YOU CALL IT OUT! Always check yourself before anyone else can check you.

So I checked myself. It was one night I was cleaning up the shit I threw and I said to myself "Aight...this here has to stop." I went to church the following Sunday and the pastor told everyone that needs a door to come to the alter. He made examples such as, some people do not have a home, so come pray for a house door. Some people may not have a car, so come pray for a car door. Some people may not have any money, so come pray for a bank door. What seems like the entire congregation tried to get as close to the alter as possible. As we held hands, he asked each person to ask the person on the left and right of them what kind of door do they need so we can pray for them. The brother to my left said, "I need a job door." The sister to my right said "I need a car door." I replied to them both and said "I need a patience door."

The reasons I was having mood swings, temper-tantrums, yelling, cursing, and throwing things was because I lost the ability to retain patience. So I checked myself. Now the pastor said something else that gave me more clarity. He said, "Now that you asked for this door, be prepared to walk through it and take whatever comes with it." For example, praying for a car door comes with a car note. Praying for a house door comes with mortgage. So I knew with praying for patience, came with a series of test. And boy this year has been full of lessons!!

I found a lot of things and people to be unworthy of the energy of yelling, cursing, and throwing things. (Plus, I ain't have to clean that shit up LOL). No but seriously, I am able to laugh & be honest with myself because I am WILLING to make the necessary changes to become a better me. Giving up my power and allowing others to receive the best of me is so yesterday! So today, I challenge everyone who is reading this...take a look at yourself. Find the things within yourself that you DO NOT favor. I want you to first EMBRACE it, then second Pray for that door. But remember, be careful what you pray for...YOU JUST MIGHT GET IT...and everything that comes along with it!!!


Signing Off
Excuse My Kharisma  ♥

copyrighted (c) June 2011

7:38 am

rolling over
wishing you were here
just to smell your soft scent
or to touch the strands of your hair
to feel the warmth of your body
and the soft touch of your skin
our love has slowly faded
and i have no clue where to begin

i find myself stuck
staring at the wall
thinking it will give me answers
as to where did we fall
sleepless nights
turns into stressful mornings
crying out my pain
that my heart is enduring

as my heart beats faster
my breathing begins to increase
wells form in my eyes
as a sign of my heart's release
nerves are running wild
and i can't seem to catch them
wanting to take away my misery
in a form of a deadly weapon

weary of the feeling
i can't seem to shake it
my heart has to be pissed off
cause it's tired of breaking
wishing i could change things
we could had it all
we could have been rolling in the deep
without Adele's song...


Signing Off
Excuse My Kharisma ♥

copyrighted (c) May 2011

"You're PRETTY to be DARK SKIN."

Before I begin, I would like to thank my sister KJ for being the muse for my next piece. Follow her blog  PRdon the Interruption.




Picture it. 1998, Hillside, NJ. I was about 12 years old. It was hot that day, so our physical education teacher allowed us to go to the park located behind the school, so you know we were hype! We had the opportunity to step, dance, play on the swings, flirt with the boys, & turn around and curse them out to act like we didn't like them! LOL

Brandy & Monica just released their song "The Boy is Mine", so of course the girls had to their own version of the song. All of my friends knew I could really sing, so they would always soup me up for the battle. All the girls who wanted to be Brandy lined up on one side and all the girls who wanted to be Monica stood on the other. I enjoyed both parts of the song, but I loved Monica's punch lines, so I always wanted to flow with her.

As I stood with Team Monica, one of my peers yelled out "Alvania, you can't be Monica cause you dark skin!!" My feelings were hurt, but with me being mouth all mighty, I had to retort "So what? You can't be Monica because you can't sing!!!" Of course all the kids started the infamous instigating, long and drawn out call of "OOOOOOOOO-OOOOOOOOOOOOH". It caused a big uproar because the little girl felt embarrassed. We both wanted to be Monica but neither one of us were backing down. One of the boys yelled, "why don't ya'll just battle for it," so we did. Needless to say, I won, however the comment of me being "dark skin" stuck with me, along with other crude comments of my skin color while growing up.

I mean, I was called all types of names. Oreo, Crispy, Toast, all that! And it really messed with how I felt about myself. Growing up, it was always about the light skin girls with long wavy hair. My family always told me I was pretty, but the kids at school used to say different. All because of the shade of my skin. I was always the dark skin girl with the long pretty hair who can dance and sing. I was confused because, all light skin people are not cute!  (& thats NO SHADE!) I knew I wasn't ugly, but I didn't live up to society's standard of "pretty".

I went to college, feeling the same way about myself. Never thought I was pretty, just another girl that passes you by. But the students in college had a different perception of me. They always compared me to the Kelly Rowlands & Taral Hicks'. And I COULD NOT see what they saw. It wasn't until the end of my freshmen year going into my sophomore year of college when I found who I was and accepted myself "as is" and "as ain't". Reality set in and a light bulb went off in my head. "I'm the shit to me. I'm doing my thing. And can't nobody check me!"

Immediately, out of no where, I fell in love with my skin. I've always had clear, soft, acne free dark skin.  My facial features were cute to me. Baby doll eyes that would get chinky when I laugh, a button nose, a a big bright smile! And when I fell in love with my skin, I fell in love with myself. Which makes others, fall in love with me...

Once the perception of myself changed, others began to view me in the same light. If they didn't,  I classified them as haters. (shrugs) But my "dark skin" still receives comments that I'm not too fond of. The most popular one is "You're pretty to be dark skin."

"Excuse me? What is that supposed to mean?" And normally I get hit with the "nah not like that but you don't see too many dark skin girls that's pretty, you know what I mean???"

No, I don't.  And I refuse to lower my way of thinking to understand the ignorance you are trying to convey. No! I come from a long line of "dark skin" women in my family & they are beautiful. It makes me upset because these comments are coming from my own people. Both men & women say these things to me. They make it seem like being dark skin is a handicap.

Well not if you ask me. See, I embrace what people hate. And all the years, people have made fun of my skin & now they love it. And those of you who know me, know that I self proclaimed my skin as "Limited Edition Hershey Chocolate". LOL You may laugh, but deep down, you know it's true. And please believe me, I'm just as sweet...

So for anyone who is struggling with any sort of identity crisis, believe me I understand where you are coming from. But never change what God has created for YOU. Embrace what they hate & watch it work in your favor! Change the perception of yourself and others will follow your lead...


Signing Off,
Pretty Brown Round...

I mean...


Excuse My Kharisma ♥


copyrighted (c) MAY 2011

Common Denominator

I cannot rationalize why I feel this way. It is indeed indescribable but most desirable.  It is something that cannot be touched but only felt. It's something that I cannot share but wouldn't mind giving the world the opportunity to witness it. Every one has different blessings bestowed upon them and of course for many different reasons.

Have you ever been thoughtful, sweet, caring, dedicated, and encouraging? On the flip side, have also been selfish, impatient, vain, & moody? And through these times, whether good, bad, or indifferent, there is always something that is your foundation. Your base. Your denominator to your numerator. You may not recognize it now, but its good to reflect on life's journey. Life's ups, downs, lefts, and rights. 

For me I always had this common denominator, in which the number has never changed in my life. With myself being the numerator, my number has always changed. The bigger my head got, the larger the number. The more I lacked in confidence, the smaller the number. But my denominator...my foundation....my base, has always stayed the same. No matter how much I've changed. 

My blessing is my foundation. My base. My denominator to my numerator. And this blessing goes by the name of Terri Lynn Jones-Boone. But to me, I just call her Mommy. Mommy, you have given me strength, courage, and power to fight for what I want. You have given me confidence, intelligence, wit, and perception to follow through with all obstacles I come across. You have shown me the importance of  humility, submissiveness, lack of pride, and modesty. You gave me the innate ability to be sweet, caring, dedicated, and encouraging even during the times I am selfish, impatient, vain, and moody. And for that, I am forever in debt to you. 

My greatest blessing to this day, is something I will NEVER try to rationalize. Something that is indeed indescribable but most desirable. It is something that cannot be touched but only felt. It's something that I cannot share but wouldn't mind giving the world the opportunity to witness. Every one has different blessings bestowed upon them and of course for many different reasons. I'm just glad God chose you to be my denominator. 

Happy Mother's Day♥
From VA to NJ

I Love You Mommy

Love,
Boota!

Signing Off

Excuse My Kharisma ♥

copyrighted (c) 05-08-11

Common Denominator

I cannot rationalize why I feel this way. It is indeed indescribable but most desirable.  It is something that cannot be touched but only felt. It's something that I cannot share but wouldn't mind giving the world the opportunity to witness it. Every one has different blessings bestowed upon them and of course for many different reasons.

Have you ever been thoughtful, sweet, caring, dedicated, and encouraging? On the flip side, have also been selfish, impatient, vain, & moody? And through these times, whether good, bad, or indifferent, there is always something that is your foundation. Your base. Your denominator to your numerator. You may not recognize it now, but its good to reflect on life's journey. Life's ups, downs, lefts, and rights. 

For me I always had this common denominator, in which the number has never changed in my life. With myself being the numerator, my number has always changed. The bigger my head got, the larger the number. The more I lacked in confidence, the smaller the number. But my denominator...my foundation....my base, has always stayed the same. No matter how much I've changed. 

My blessing is my foundation. My base. My denominator to my numerator. And this blessing goes by the name of Terri Lynn Jones-Boone. But to me, I just call her Mommy. Mommy, you have given me strength, courage, and power to fight for what I want. You have given me confidence, intelligence, wit, and perception to follow through with all obstacles I come across. You have shown me the importance of  humility, submissiveness, lack of pride, and modesty. You gave me the innate ability to be sweet, caring, dedicated, and encouraging even during the times I am selfish, impatient, vain, and moody. And for that, I am forever in debt to you. 

My greatest blessing to this day, is something I will NEVER try to rationalize. Something that is indeed indescribable but most desirable. It is something that cannot be touched but only felt. It's something that I cannot share but wouldn't mind giving the world the opportunity to witness. Every one has different blessings bestowed upon them and of course for many different reasons. I'm just glad God chose you to be my denominator. 

Happy Mother's Day♥
From VA to NJ

I Love You Mommy

Love,
Boota!

Signing Off

Excuse My Kharisma ♥

copyrighted (c) 05-08-11

A LETTER TO MYSELF...

Hey Girl!

Where you been? It's been a minute since I seen you last. I heard you were still down in VA doing your thing. That's what's up. I miss you soooo much. We haven't kicked it in DUMB long. I missed those days where you and I would just bug out for no @#$K%^& reason at all! It's hard to find someone with the same edge as you. Chillin' doesn't even have the same meaning since you left. SMH

Our adventures around the city gave us memories we will never forget! Shout out to your father for being a bus driver! We had mad student bus tickets on deck! LOL We used to laugh at all the people that would hop on the bus. Especially the 39 bus oh my gaaaah! You ain't know who was gonna come up on that joint. Especially in the summer of '04. Sheeesh. We knew we were in for a show on any bus we caught during that summer. We use to catch either the 39 or 13 downtown and hop the trains to go to NY. LOL We almost got caught that one time! LOL But we were too smooth to lose. The train doors closed and pulled off at perfect timing. That cop was mad as hell! LOL

I'm glad you brought me with you when you went to college. I seen some things I would have never seen in Newark. But them people down in Virginia were just happy for NO reason at all. Smiling and waving and shit. Just too damn happy for me. You soften up too! LOL Cause you started smiling and waving back. SMH. Its cool though. I guess if you were gonna be down there for the next 4 years, you had to adapt to your surroundings.

You let me get down with your crew at VSU. I mean, I was never too keen on being with a clique but they was cool as hell. They took me in right along with you. Even though I was wild LOL. I know I slipped up a few times, but I couldn't help it though! You know me! If a nigga just look at me wrong, I'm wyling!! Don't front. You were the same way too! But you allowed them to humble you. You became much more reserved. That's when I started to see you change.

I mean, don't get me wrong. I love the person you have become. In fact, I wish I could be like you in so many ways. But I refuse to change. I let you be the humble you and I just smack these birds for you. No biggie. We been together since birth, I would never turn my back on you...like how you did me.

No love lost but you used to be so tough! You used to ROCK OUT! I never knew another chick that was as hard as you. Everybody thought Eve was the pit bull in a skirt til they met you. What happened to you? Matter fact, the last time I seen you was back in 07 at the Cotton Club. We was putting b!@#$e% down that night! LOL

I know you still feel me in you. But you keep suppressing me, like I ain't shit. Like I wasn't the one rocking out with you the past 25 years. Now you all calm. Living in 2-story lofts & shit. You work for that Fortune 500 company on salary with full benefits, now you act like you don't need me anymore! What's up with that? I thought you was coming home after you got your degree? I thought we were gonna go back to hopping trains & shit? You traded your J's & basketball shorts for 6-inch heels and a tight skirt!

I guess you all grown up now. I thought I'd never see the day you would leave me behind. But I'm still riding with you though. Like them country niggaz say out in Virginia "bah-lee dat". LOL I love you regardless of who you become. And just in case I never get a chance to tell you, I'm proud of you. Keep doing ya thing. But if you need me...well you know where I'm at.

Always in your heart,
The Old You





Signing Off
Excuse My Kharisma ♥

(c) Copyrighted 04/26/11

A Woman's Strength

I remember going to Maryland to go visit one of my best friends for a fun filled weekend about 2 years ago. We went shopping, ate, laughed, took a nap. We woke up, ate, laughed, and slept some more. Woke up and did it again. As females, we bask in each other's company so the routine never gets boring. It's the laughs that keep us together. Our differences that make us stronger. Our tribulations that keep us grounded. And the distance that makes us closer. The weekend was soon coming to an end so Sunday we capped the weekend off at church.  I'm always excited to hear the Word. During that time I needed to hear something profound but didn't expect to leave that church in D.C. with such a large impact.


The pastor had asked all the people in the room who was hurting from a past marriage or relationship to come up to alter. Of course, all women went up there. (They all probably got Keyshia Cole 1st album on deck). But it wasn't my generation approaching the alter, these women were old enough to be our mothers, grandmothers, great grandmothers, and aunties. I'm thinking to myself, "damn, really though?"


At the time, I was coming out of bad relationship that ended over a year before. However, there were still tender bruises on my heart so when the subject matter surfaced, I still felt the pain. These women were upset about relationships and marriages that happened years ago. But the tears were coming down as if it all happened last night. I watched these women cry. It felt more like watching my mom or auntie cry. I stood there in amazement because it was one thing I could NOT understand...


Women have incredible strength. INCREDIBLE! I mean we have single mothers holding down a house full of kids. Women who work two and half jobs to get through school. Women who fought for our right to vote. Women who took beatings just so I can say what the hell is on mind. Women who fought for us to get equal education and equal job placement. Women who went from poor girls to women of fortune 500 companies. Women who made great strides in politics, science, arts, etc. Women were never looked at as an equal. And through women's strength, women were able to face all obstacles of success.


Evidently a woman's strength is a force to reckon with...until it comes to a man...


I do not believe there are colors ugly enough for me to paint the picture of the feelings I had inside. I do not believe there are words strong enough to describe what I saw that day.It amazes me how we can knock down the greatest forces of our past time, but we can not conquer what a man has done to us.


Now some of these women were hurt physically, others emotionally. And some women never remarried. And all I kept saying to myself, "This will not be me 5 minutes from now. Let alone 5 or 10 years later."


I think this was the day where it was a turning point for me. At the time, I was still hurt over a relationship that ended over a year ago. Now before this day, I already promised myself that I would never put myself in that type of situation again. But on that day, I learned that I needed to unlock the chain to my pain or I was gonna be just like these women.


This is the part where as women we need to take responsibility for our emotions. It is okay to be hurt. It is okay to cry. It is okay to take time for yourself before you decide you want to get involved again. It is not okay to carry this pain for years on end. Women, we must remember it is not totally a man's fault as to why we feel the way we do. A person is only going to do what you allow them to do. And if you allow a man to break down your walls of greatness, you have to take some blame for what has happened.


For example, when construction workers tear down buildings what do they do first? They gut the building. Take everything that is inside of it out so when the knock it down, it's easier to remove. Do they knock it down with the first blow? NO!!! It takes multiple attempts to tear down a building and sometimes different tools & approaches too. Its the same thing with your heart. You know what is going on. You know this man is getting ready to gut you like a fish and tear down your walls of greatness. But he can't tear you down with one try. It's multiple attempts. And if you allow it, then you are part of the problem. Just face it.


I leave the thought train for you to explore. But I will say this, do not male bash. All men are not dogs. Let go and move on. Nobody is chaining you to pain but yourself. Life is too short. And remember to forgive!!! Desmond Tutu said "Forgiving is not forgetting: it's actually remembering--remembering and not using your right to hit back. It's a second chance for a new beginning. And the remembering part is particularly important. Especially if you don't want to repeat what happened."


Signing Off
Excuse My Kharisma ♥

The Innocence of a Child

Friday Night Lights is one of my favorite mix tapes for numerous reasons. J. Cole is the essence of fresh air much needed in hip hop. But the track entitled 'See World' always stood out on the mix tape. I was immediately intrigued because the beat originated from 2Pac's song entitled 'Pain'. And as a big Pac fan, I challenge any artist over a Pac beat. And I must say, the story that unfolded over the sampled track was indeed breath taking and heart felt. J. Cole's delivery was remarkable and opened a highly sensitive subject yet a much needed eye opener for hip hop as well.

'See World' talks about little 5 year old Shaniya Davis who went missing and later found raped and murdered in Fayetteville, NC. The song included sound clips from the news in which it revealed little Shaniya was sold into sex slavery for prostitution by her own mother. My heart dropped to the pit of my stomach as I a train of thoughts went through my mind. 

Often times, we hear different stories about children being raped and murdered. These topics never sit too well with me, as it shouldn't with you either. But the fact her own mother exposed her to such danger  is the most sickening thing anyone on this earth can do.  This story never sat well with me. Especially when the reporter said, "Shaniya was last seen with a blue sleep shirt and pink underwear." 

You can google the story for yourselves, I'm not here to report it, but this will forever be on my heart. I'm praying for the world. No, I take that back. I'm praying for the sick people who live in this world. And I don't mean *cough cough sniffle sniffle* sick, I mean sick in the head and sick in the soul. Who are you to take the innocence of a child?

The man who was last seen with Shaniya was a 29-year old man taking her to a hotel room.  29 years old. Are people really that sick and deranged to take the innocence of a child? A child? She is a child. A little girl who knew the definition of rape by experience but isn't articulate enough to verbally speak the meaning. What do you see as a 29 year old man in a 5 year old girl?

I tell you what I see when I look at a child. I see beauty in their eyes. Beauty that is illuminated by innocence and God's grace. A child is open to anything. A child only does what they are allowed to do. How could some one allow their child to be used for sexual advances in exchange of money? 

It hurts my heart because there are so many other children across the world who are going through similar situations. If I could give my own life, to save the children of the world from now until forever I would. Children are God's most precious gifts to people. There are some people who cannot have children. And some people who get them do not know how to treat them. 

The next time you look at a child, look into their eyes. Don't look at how cute and chubby they are. Don't look at how messy their hair may be. Don't look at the juice stains on their shirt. But look into their eyes. Looking into a child's eyes should remind you that God is living and is creating new graces everyday. Hear them laugh. Watch them play. And see their smile through their eyes...

R.I.P. Shaniya Davis

& all the children subjected by the evil in this world. 

"No matter how I hate flashbacks and rewinds. Can't escape the pain that is trapped in mind. You see world you're no good." - J. Cole

Signing Off

Excuse My Kharisma ♥

Precious Silence

Precious Silence


Your silence is disturbing
causing me to implant thoughts for you
Only to appease my wounded emotions of your utter stillness
Sometimes I feel like your silence puts miles between us
Stimulating a tug of war between myself and the unknown
I always seem to believe that if I'd give you time
Your absence of sound will turn into a pleasing uproar
Music to my ears & oh how i love to dance
But how much longer do I sit in silence about your murdered articulation?
This silence is precious
Not knowing if touching bases with it will bring us closer or add mileage
This precious silence puts heavy weight on my heart
Causing my throat to tighten and increasing my desire for air...
Tightening my muscles in hopes I could fight off the tears
caused by the self-inflicted thoughts of my own created especially for you
I keep blaming myself for your silence
and this precious silence is deadly


Signing Off
Excuse My Kharisma  ♥


copyrighted 07-19-06

Mind vs Heart

I wrote this poem about a year ago.It was the perfect train from the previous blog "I've Changed My Mind...but Not My Heart." Hope you enjoy it...


Mind Vs Heart


I hear the bombs from a distance
See the smoke from the flames
My mind has its own mission
But my heart is the one to blame
My brain is the mastermind
But my heart is the powerhouse
My thoughts are one of a kind 
But my emotions controls my whereabouts

My mind seen this before
But my heart wants an escape
My mind is teaching her to ignore
But my heart needs a vacay
In temporary excitement
My mind is first 2 judge
My heart just got indicted
Two time felon in a case called Love




Signing Off
Excuse My Kharisma  ♥
copyrighted 3-29-11

I've Changed My Mind...but Not My Heart

"Everybody’s at war with different things…I’m at war with my own heart sometimes."
- Tupac Shakur


Have you ever played tug of war with your heart? It's one of the most intense, most uncomfortable, most unbearable games to play. The worst part of this game is, you always lose. Often times, we find ourselves in situations that requires us to use both our minds and hearts to try to make a healthy decision. But we all know where the problem lies. The heart and the mind will NEVER agree. 


So who is right? There are so many different perspectives to view these types of complications. I guess depending on the situation, the heart could be right and in others, the mind targets it in the bullseye. But there are a few things to remember.


Feelings. Emotions. Butterflies. The heart erects all of these things. One thing a person CANNOT help (and should never apologize for) is how they feel about something or someone. Emotions can NEVER be controlled because ultimately, we CANNOT change the way we feel about anything. The heart drives off of instant impulse. The chill that crawls down our spine. The butterflies that flatters their wings incessantly. The glow on our skin or the sadness in our face can never be defined by the mind. The heart takes full responsibility. 


But what about the mind? Our minds are exercised by the information it consumes. Our minds make what seems to be educated decisions off of past experiences, things seen and unseen, and things we we were taught. What happens when we learn something new??? Our mind changes. And how many times have we changed our minds? "Oh, I changed my mind. I don't wanna go anymore." And the first thing some one asks when we change are minds is "WHY?"  When we change our minds, its because 1- we have learned something new or 2- someone or something has influenced original thoughts. The mind is fickle. One thing about the heart...at least the heart is consistent. 


So what do you do when the feelings you have do not constitute the rhymes or reasons behind your thoughts? Do you go with what you know? or do you go with what you feel? In situations of indifference, the only other solution is to pray. The heart and the mind are two bickering entities who can drive one insane if they are not spiritually stable. Relax, Relate, & Release into prayer. He can give you a better answer than I can...you just have to listen after you speak.


Check the next blog for a short poem i wrote entitled Mind vs. Heart. 


Signing Off
Excuse My Kharisma  ♥


copyrighted 3-29-11

I Shall Not Complain

The best thing about windows is that it gives us the ability to get a sneak peak of what is going on outside. I woke up this morning with the bubble guts. You can only imagine the distorted faces I was making while squabbling into the fetal position to find some sort of temporary comfort for the pain. I rolled directly in the sunlight path from the sky light in my loft causing it to catch my eyes at the most unwanted time. As I get up, I grab my Blackberry Torch. This trip to the royal throne might be longer than planned. 

As I enter the royal room where my throne awaits, I thought to myself "Man its a nice day outside. What am I going to wear? S**t, should I call out of work?" It's something about beautiful weather in VA that has me addicted. 

Glancing over my timeline on twitter, I see multiple tweets about Japan & Hawaii and how people are praying for them. As I pull up my CNN app, my heart immediately drops. Another natural disaster. My heart & prayers go out to them. Japan has experienced a horrible earthquake of a 8.9 magnitude, which in turn triggered multiple Tsunamis to hit the country as well as America's land of Hawaii. In realizing this natural disaster, is out of my hands all I can do is pray for them and leave it for the most high. I will not dwell on how i can fix it because I can't. But there is one thing I can fix...my attitude.

I had an attitude with the sun shining directly in my crusty eyes when I rolled over. Here I am complaining about one of the most precious gifts given...light. I bet you those people who are trapped under buildings, cars, and houses would love to be able to see and feel the sunlight - - - I SHALL NOT COMPLAIN.

People lost their loved ones to strong winds, water, and shaken ground - - - I SHALL NOT COMPLAIN.

Mother's are crying for their daughters, daughters crying for their Fathers and Fathers praying for their sons - - - I SHALL NOT COMPLAIN.

Power plants and buildings with people in them are being tossed like toys - - -  I SHALL NOT COMPLAIN. 

For the lower class family who had barely had a wall to hold on to who has been stripped down to nothing at all - - - I SHALL NOT COMPLAIN. 

For the kid who can no longer dance because his legs were crushed by trees, - - - I will dance for your will - - - I SHALL NOT COMPLAIN.

For the little girl who aspired to be a writer when she grew up was killed on the train ride home from school because the earthquake shook Japan's metro - - - I will live out your dream baby girl therefore - - - I SHALL NOT COMPLAIN. 

Signing Off

Excuse My Kharimsa 

♥








copyrighted 03-11-11

Keep Your Sense of Humor

"Oh my gosh, is it 5 o'clock yet? Cause if you see her, tell her I'm looking for her!! I'm bout ready to leave this raggedy a** job and get home to my bed. It has been 4:55pm for the past 10 minutes." Palms are sweaty. Feet are just a tapping. People walk by with smiles on their faces, and you just roll your little eyes. And when the clock strikes 4:58pm, you pack your s**t up and head to the door. As you speed race to the parking lot in search for your car, you notice it's not in the same spot you left it in. You search row by row, space by space in search of your 2009 Nissan Altima. "S**t, did I pay my car note?" Nah...not at all. Your whip just got a taste of that Operation Repo! "Damn!"

You reach to your hip to call somebody to come get you. Only to find your iPHONE is on 5%. "Damn, I left my charger at home." You call as many people as you can to find a ride. But suddenly, everybody is "busy". Finally you break down and call a cab and pay him $45 to take you 25 minutes down the interstate. You step outside the cab with a feeling of relief. The cab driver smelled like old moth balls and Mac Sauce.  Searching aimlessly in your pocket for your house keys as you walk up the steps, you notice your door was already open. Immediately, your heart drops to the pit of your stomach, creating a feeling of uncertainty. You pry the door open and peek your head inside, you've just been robbed....

How many of us would have just lost it? (*raises both hands*) Does this sound like a bad day or what??Some of us would cry, throw things, break stuff,  or take our frustration out on others. We think to ourselves,"nothing else can make my day worse!" Oh but it can...your family could have been in that house. Hell, YOU could have been in the house had your car not been repossessed. All things happen for a reason. We may never know what the reason is, but it isn't something you should question. Think about it...Nothing Ever Goes Wrong. God has a plan, and he knew all day long what was up. "God could have told me though!" Hush your mouth and KEEP YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR. 

Keeping a smile on your face can go a long way. I had a friend who was in prison. Good kid. It was his first time ever being locked up or convicted of anything. I made it a point to visit him every Tuesday. And every Tuesday, he would have the biggest smile on his face. He was always telling jokes. Making light of his situation. Finding ways to never lose his innate ability to bring laughter to himself and others. And even though his circumstances were bad, he adjusted to it because he knew circumstances will never adjust to him. This kid was facing 5 felonies at only 21 years old. And though he may never know it, he inspired me to Keep My Sense of Humor. I was going through some things myself, but nothing like what he was going through. So after my first Tuesday visit, I left the jail facility with a brand new attitude. 

The attitude we carry about our situation is what makes things either easier or harder. The energy we waste getting mad, yelling, and throwing things only creates a bigger mess. (Cause now you gotta clean that s**t up! LOL) But seriously, NOTHING EVER GOES WRONG. It all has been written. Your car was repossessed because if you would have came home on time, you would have been another story on Nancy Grace. Keep your sense of humor...you almost just lost your life.

Signing Off

Excuse My Kharisma

♥

copyrighted 03-11-11

YOURSELF

it's 4 in the morning & your still wide awake
a feeling of uncertainty
a feeling you can't shake
the urge to write hoping writing will break
break the mood of uncertainty
the mood you can't take

you pick up the pen with no direction
hoping when it meets the paper you see a reflection
a reflection of yourself  at a crossroad section
you decide go right when you could have easily went left and
you cant help to notice but seeing yourself and
you're your worst critic so get at yourself then
before you point the finger at everyone else when

its time to realize all the games you play
it all falls down and it started the day
the day you started treating people better than God
all your worshiped worldly possessions are just a midst in the fog

so now you all alone and all you got is yourself
a pen & a paper hoping it guides yourself
to a place where you have no choice but to better yourself
and like i said you are you worst critic
so get at yourself

take a step to the mirror and examine yourself
dont step aside
you might cry
just looking at yourself
and you might get the urge just to punch yourself
but before you do that
you need to talk to yourself

cause can't nobody tell self about self like yourself
cause everything self tells to self is already heartfelt
cause self is what made self step to yourself
and you gotta respect why self came because you care about yourself

so find your way out
cause i already found mine
God is my way and writing is how I shine
I would say 'what's yours is mine'
but then I'll be lying
cause you don't know where you are
and i like my path just fine

and if you wanna find peace
you need to find the Word
cause you gotta deal with yourself
before you can deal with the world


Signing Off
Excuse My Kharisma... ♥




copyrighted 03-11-11

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back...

"Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what your gonna get."- That's word to Forrest Gump! The quote maybe overused...cliche even...but you gotta admit: that's the realest s**t he said in the movie! I mean think about it! (*i'll wait...can't think of realer line can you? oh aight*)

I knew a college student who had everything going for him....well at least it appeared that way. He had a nice car, beautiful girlfriend who loved him more than she loved herself, money in his pocket and stacks in the bank. He even had a decent apartment and his feet was always fresh. Then one by one, all these things he worked hard for was stripped from him. He got put out of school on academic probation. His car was totaled. His girl left him because of the abuse. His money began dwindling away because he began to live beyond his means. He got evicted from his apartment. And his fresh kicks....well...i don't know exactly what happen to those! But meanwhile, the first thing he said was, "Every time I take one step forward, I get knocked two steps back."

Naturally, we cling to this statement because we can't find another way to describe our current situation. We take the right steps toward all the things our heart desires. And once we almost reach total gratification, we get knocked two steps back. Frustrating. Depressing. Discouraging. All these feelings begin to surface, but we CANNOT let "two steps back" defeat us.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all about forward movement. But when I get knocked 2 steps, 3 steps, hell, 1031 steps back...I know its for a reason. In our journey of forward movement, being knocked two steps back is a blessing in disguise. We are knocked steps back, because evidently we missed something. Something imperative to the journey. And being that we didn't catch it the first time, we get knocked back to make sure we capture the pure essence of what a journey is all about.

My dude Forrest was right, we don't know what we are gonna get! Life is full of surprises. And sometimes we gotta take a few steps back in order to have the leverage to create a might jump. It's all about forward movement people. But when we take two steps back, it's because we overlooked our blessing...don't miss out!


Signing Off
Excuse My Kharisma ♥




copyrighted 03-11-11